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For me this is the equivalent of the plateau zone right before orgasm. I love to work up to that place where my submissive is just occasionally wondering if they can take/do much more, then I’ll back off of it slowly, providing what’s essentially a pause (though activity doesn’t stop, it’s less intense and demanding), then I lean back into that edgy amber zone again. In between the more intense times, I might lean in and whisper in their ears, gently stroke the areas of their skin that I’ve been hard on, tell them I love them, ask how they are, etc.
When I was new, I heard this refered to “refilling the spank bank”.
The bottom line is it’s about connecting, having a shared experience, creating the kind of interactions you want to have with people in an atmosphere of consent.
That will change depending on the person, the timing, and your moods that day.
If you get too hung up on trying to conform to some kind of recipe, you’ll feel awkward and stiff.
It’s important, especially if you’re new to BDSM or each other. For example, if you’re playing with rope you’ll want to make sure you have some good safety scissors handy in case an emergency escape is needed.
For more on this important step, check Norische’s post on it. Ideally, you’ll have done a little homework on whatever type of play you have in mind and so you’ll know what you need to have nearby. (ps: Did you know that if you subscribe to the Dominant Guide by email, you get a free safety pamphlet that include first aid for a variety of minor things as well as sound advice in the case of (heaven forbid) a more serious injury or other risky situation. Okay, onward and upward…) Connection: This is a really important component of any scene for me, whether it’s a more casual service topping kind of thing or a deeper, intensely emotional scene with a beloved.
Prepare the space: The surroundings can have a powerful influence on the scene. If you’re playing with a partner you’re already close with, you’ll probably find this comes pretty easily.
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